What if leaving is a loving thing?
by Jessica12
Summary: What if Dean stayed with Lisa one night more? 1/1


Title:**What if leaving is a loving thing?**  
Author: Jessica  
Email: jrothen yahoo.se  
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where  
Spoilers: The Kids are Alright  
Rating: PG  
Feedback: YES please...jrothenyahoo.se  
Pairing: Dean/Lisa  
Genre: Angst, AU, POV  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.  
Summary: What if Dean stayed with Lisa for one night more?  
AUTHORS NOTE: Title comes from an album by Sahara Hotnights. This is my first ever  
Supernatural fic so please be gentle.  
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar mistakes may occur.  
Thank you to Ruth for beta reading this one.

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It was the little things that stayed with you a long time afterwards.  
The feel of her hand against your chest.  
The way her hair smelled.  
The feel of her mouth against yours.  
The way her body fitted so perfectly in your arms.  
Your memories blindsided you on rainy afternoons when you sat in some diner in the middle of nowhere trying to drink your coffee.  
Sam was sitting opposite you lost in a book.  
It kept eating at your centre core during the endless nights that seemed to stretch out before you.  
It felt like your world tilted on its axis.  
So you went out of your way to try to drive her out of your head and heart.  
But nothing was ever so simple.

It had been your weakness that had brought you to her door.  
She had been just a memory in the back of your mind and if you had been a stronger person  
she would have remained there.  
But you told yourself that you needed a distraction from the darkness that seemed to be closing in on you.  
So you went to her to try to lose yourself for a moment.  
But what you lost was greater than you had ever imagined.

--------------------  
**_One week earlier_**  
--------------------

She stood in the doorway to her bedroom with her hands on her hips and she said the words she once proudly proclaimed she would never utter; "Stay".  
Just a single word that brought both fear and joy to your heart.  
You tried to avoid her eyes as you answered:  
"I can't."  
She blinked once as your words hit her.  
A part of you wanted nothing but to stay.  
To wrap yourself around her and never let go.  
But it would all be a lie.  
You knew that and eventually your lie would hunt you down.  
She wrapped her arms around her middle, hugging herself, and looked at you.  
Her voice trembled as she spoke:  
"But -- you said --"  
You hadn't given her any promises.  
She looked so small as she stood there in the doorway.  
"Lisa.."  
"I just thought that . . ."  
"I know."  
You moved towards her.  
You wanted to touch her.  
But she moved away from your touch.  
"I should have known that it would end like this."  
She sounded bitter as she spoke.  
You had seen hope in her eyes when you first kissed her.  
It had been just a glimpse in the back of her eyes but you had ignored it.  
You had wanted her.  
Nothing else mattered.  
She wanted everything from you.  
She wanted a part of you that you couldn't give her.  
The risk was too great.  
"Don't say that."  
"Why did you come here, Dean?"  
"I just . . ."  
You were a bad person.  
You knew that.  
"You wanted a good fuck, is that it?"  
"Jesus, Lisa!"  
You backed away like she had just struck you.  
"What? Isn't it the truth?"  
Her eyes burned into you.  
You looked at her and in that moment she knew the truth.  
You wanted to die then.  
It had never been your intention to hurt her.  
In the end you always managed to hurt the people around you in one way or another.  
Her eyes darkened and she ran her hand through her hair.  
"I should have known. I should have listened to my instincts about you."  
"I never meant to hurt you."  
Your words sounded so pathetic and small.  
"You never meant to hurt me? That's a good one. You come into my life after all these years and  
you think that you can pick it up where you left off. How can you be so fucking cruel? How can you do that to a person? I'm not the same as I was.  
I have a kid now, for God's sake."  
"I know. It's just . . ."  
You found yourself backing away.  
Like the coward you were.  
"What? Tell me 'cause I can't figure it out."  
"I don't know what you want me to say."  
She kept on coming towards you.  
Her eyes seemed to occupy her whole face.  
You saw pain in her eyes, masked by anger.  
"I want you to tell me the truth."  
"Truth about what?"  
"How can you walk back into my life and be all nice and sweet and expect that I would be fine with it when you left?"  
You had been selfish.  
You knew that.  
The need to escape your life even if it was just for a night had clouded your judgment.  
She deserved better.  
"I thought it would be fun."  
Your pitiable words tasted like venom in your mouth.  
"Fun. So it was a game to you?"  
"I didn't say that."  
"How can you be so cruel? Did you know how I felt when you left the first time?"  
The time you had spent with her had been brief.  
You had left without saying goodbye.  
You had told yourself that it didn't matter.  
She would be better off without you anyways.  
"I just.."  
Her eyes darkened as she spoke:  
"Did you know how I cried when you left? You broke my heart. Did you know that?"  
"It was just a weekend."  
"I know it was. Don't you think I know that? But I was young then and foolish. And I fell in love."  
Her words hit you and hit hard.  
You were not a nice person.  
You had killed people.  
There was blood on your hands.  
You had done things that she couldn't even imagine.  
You didn't deserve to be close to her.  
You definitely didn't deserve her love.  
But she had given you her heart once anyway.  
"Lisa.."  
You moved towards her, wanting to bridge the gap that stretched out between the two of you.  
"It took a long time for me to get over you. So when I found you standing outside my door..  
I guess I have always been foolish when it comes to you. God, how can I be so stupid?"  
"Don't say that."  
You touched her arm and made her look at you.  
Her skin was warm against your hand.  
You had to let her go.  
There was no question about it.  
You had thought it would be easy.  
You had done it a million times before.  
You had walked into women's lives and left the next morning.  
But this time it wasn't that simple.  
"What will I tell Ben?"  
It felt like something struck you in the stomach in that moment.  
"I don't know."  
"He likes you, you know. You're his hero. He told me so last night."  
Her words coiled around your frozen heart and managed to squeeze it so hard that  
you had to back away from her.  
But you welcomed it gladly.  
You deserved it after all.  
You deserved all the pain this world could give you.  
"He's a good kid."  
Her face softened as she reached out her hand towards you.  
"Please, stay . . ."  
"I can't do that."  
"I don't understand."  
Her hands fell to her sides.  
"I know you don't. I wish I could explain."  
"Try me."  
"It's better that you don't know."  
"Don't know what?"  
"Just trust me..."  
You moved away from her and started to turn away.  
"Dean..."  
"I'm not a good person, Lisa."  
Your words seemed to hover and soar around the room.  
She touched your arm and made you turn towards her.  
"Don't say that."  
She knew nothing about you.  
You had just given her pieces of yourself, fragments of a broken life.  
But still she believed in you.  
She still wanted every part of you.  
"It's the truth."  
"No, it's not. I know that you're a good person."  
You wanted to believe her.  
You needed to believe her.  
But the truth kept nagging at your centre core.  
You were nothing like the person she imagined.  
You were not the kind of person to deserved to be anywhere near her.  
"You know nothing about me."  
She managed to slip her hand into yours.  
It fitted so perfectly there.  
"I know that you're kind. You're great with Ben. You make me laugh. You're strong person with  
a good heart. And that's all I need to know."  
You closed your eyes and whispered:  
"I have done things.."  
"Everybody has."  
"Horrible things."  
"I don't believe that."  
It felt like something was ready to come apart inside of you.  
It felt like your insides where bleeding.  
You opened your eyes and looked at her.  
You saw so much love and tenderness in her eyes.  
You saw hope in her eyes.  
"It's the truth, Lisa."  
Her eyes darkened and her face seemed to twist and turn as she spoke:  
"Why are you doing this?"  
"I'm telling you the truth."  
"What truth? Is this just so I will just get off your case?"  
"No. I'm just saying that the person I am to you and Ben is not real."  
"What do you mean?"  
She let go of your hand.  
You already missed her touch.  
"I'm not a hero."  
"Don't."  
"I'm not a good person."  
"Why are you doing this?"  
Your words caused her pain.  
It was ripping at her already bleeding heart.  
But it was better this way for the both of you.  
"I want you to know the truth."  
"What goddamn truth? I don't understand what you're talking about."  
"Don't you understand?"  
She was crying now.  
Her tears seemed to glimmer on her skin as they made their way down her face.  
It felt like your were dying in that moment.  
Your hand trembled as you reached out and touched her cheek.  
"I don't deserve you, Lisa. It wouldn't be right."  
Something in her eyes flashed and came alive then.  
She moved away from you.  
"IS THAT IT?"  
"Lisa.."  
"No. You don't deserve me. It's that you are a goddamn mystery."  
"I wanted-- I just--"  
You wanted so badly to touch her again.  
Your hands seemed to cry out for it.  
You moved towards her but she put her hands on your chest and pushed you away.  
"DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME!"  
"Lisa, I didn't mean to--"  
"You don't deserve me. What about me! What about me? I want you. I need you."  
"No you don't."  
You knew in your heart that she would be just fine without you.  
"Fuck you, Dean Winchester! If you're such a coward then you might as well leave."  
"Lisa, please."  
"What? You can't even give me a good excuse. No, you come up with some lame thing about  
not deserving me."  
"It's the truth."  
"You're such a fucking coward!"  
"I told you the truth. I never lied to you."  
You wanted to ease the pain that ripped in her.  
But you couldn't help her now.  
She didn't move away as you framed her face between your hands.  
You would lock up the memory of her in a special place in your heart.  
She crumbled under your touch.  
She closed her eyes and whispered:  
"Just, please, Dean. Stay. Just one more day. One day."  
It wouldn't be fair for either of you.  
You knew that.  
Her heart would heal.  
She was strong like that.  
One day she wouldn't remember you.  
You would eventually become just another face that had drifted through her life.  
She had a bright future ahead of her.  
You didn't belong there.  
Your life was soon coming to an end.  
At least now you had something to cling to the last remaining months.  
But you couldn't tell her that.  
It would be better this way.  
"I can't."  
She came apart with a loud bang in your arms.  
You could almost hear it happening.  
You leaned forward, brushed your lips softly against hers and whispered:  
"Goodbye, Lisa."  
Then you let her go.  
She was shaking as she stood there.  
She opened her brown eyes and your eyes met.  
You would remember her.  
You would keep her in your heart.  
You turned away from her and picked up your jacket from the bed.  
Then you walked out of the room.

You walked past Ben's room without stopping.  
You walked down the stairs and opened the front door.  
The morning sun was just about to grace the world with its presence.  
You walked outside and climbed inside your car.  
You took one last look back at the house.  
She was standing in the doorway.  
She didn't move.  
She didn't blink.  
She was just looking at you.  
Your hands gripped the steering wheel so tight that your knuckles started to turn white.  
It was time to let go.  
You knew that.  
You looked at her one last time.  
The only woman that you had ever loved.  
You turned the key and the beast came alive under you.  
You couldn't look at her as you backed the car off her driveway.  
The sun was slowly warming your face as you started to drive away.  
As you looked in the rear-view mirror you could still see her standing there in the doorway of her house.  
In that moment a piece of your heart detached and seemed to free fall inside of your chest.  
But you didn't feel the pain.  
You didn't feel anything anymore.


End file.
